An enormously costly mistake was made this week, and it is this: Toblerone chose the wrong day to announce that they were shrinking their weirdly shaped chocolate bars.
That calamitous information could have been buried without a trace if they’d timed its release to coincide with the growing certainty that Donald Trump’s path to the White House was opening up.
Hopefully you’re sanguine about the Donald’s unlikely ascent to nuclear arsenal commanding power. Maybe you’re even cracking open the Trump brand vodka you’ve had in storage in preparation for this moment (to be had with a cryogenically preserved Trump Steak, perhaps.)
So long as you’re not #LiterallyShaking—having piled all your furniture against the front door lest Trump’s stormtroopers should already be on their way—then something you’ll be looking forward to is soaking in the broiling furnace of catastrophe-laden opinion pieces to be unleashed by the more panicky sections of the media, while also following the resultant vomiting up of despair on Twitter.
Having endured almost five months of Brexit-triggered snowflake histrionics we have a solid idea of what to expect. In the light of some desperate post-referendum fear mongering, it’s surprising that the Earth still orbits the sun—predictions were that the planet should’ve crashed by now—but here we are, so these are my predictions as to the kinds of headlines we can expect to be brutally pummeled around the head with soon.
I’m Ashamed of my American Passport
This is on its way. The author will be painfully aware that America is to blame for everything bad that has ever happened in the world up to now, including the crucifixion of Jesus, but has learned to carry the burden. Trump, however, is a bridge too far. What the writer’s mawkishness will actually mean is that they hate themselves and they always have, and now they’ve a good chance to let it be known just how deep their pathological self-loathing runs by projecting it revealingly onto their inanimate passport.
We Must Ask Why So Many Voted For Trump
We don’t understand these people, who are they, what do they want? Why don’t they know anything, do they live underground? Maybe they live in old mines or something? Do they have guns? We made a celebrity video, didn’t they watch it? Maybe they don’t have TVs so they couldn’t watch it. But they watch Fox, how can they watch Fox without TVs? Why don’t they like Hillary? She’s speaks for everyone, she called them deplorable, why don’t they like her? Why don’t they have exactly the same ideas about everything as we do? Maybe they’re racists, are they racists? How can we ever know?
Trump Voters Are People Too
This comes later, after a period of loathing, fury, pity-hate, and confusion. Eventually, a not entirely hysterical commentator will venture into ‘Trump territory’. Perhaps they’re originally from some non-Metropolitan area, and have vague ancestral memories of vast plains, in which can be found nomadic Anglo-Saxon hunter-gatherers who don’t like Michael Moore documentaries. The crux of this piece will be, basically, “my God, they didn’t shoot me and you know what, they’re not actual racists!” This will come as an enormous shock to the writer, but will ultimately change nothing of the mainstream narrative.
All the while, no matter what Trump does, good or bad, and no matter what information is published about who voted for him and what their reasons were, one side of the story will remain unchanging. Trump and his supporters stand for racism, misogyny, and even, some will insist, fascism.
This is the Never Trump camp’s truth, they’re set on it, and no matter what happens, they won’t let any other peskily true bits of truth stand in the way of their own, morally virtuous brand of truth.