Hello, we are the progressive left, and as you’re all a bit thick and racist, we’ve come up with a list of instructions for how you must change your behaviour. It’s not your fault that you’re thick, and you’re racist mainly because you keep looking at the Daily Mail, which doesn’t kneel before the majesty of Islam and endorse the dissolution of nation states as we do, but nonetheless, your ghastly knuckle-dragging ways must be corrected.

So do the following.

  1. You must repeat this incantation, at least five times a day: TRANSWOMEN ARE WOMEN. If that’s too difficult for you, then here’s the Daily Expressified version, which might suit you better: WOMEN HAVE DICKS. Have you got that? Repeat it. Believe it. It’s true and it’s what we all think.

    Everybody chant along now: womenhavedickswomenhavedickswomenhavedicks.

  2. ISIS fighters are a lovely bunch! They’re just naive, didn’t know what they were doing. What genocide? Was there some genocide? Anyway, they’re all coming home now, and they’ll be ever so hot and sandy, so let’s be extra-nice to them and make sure they get settled back into their old routine of plotting to murder everyone. And come on, let’s face it, us kafir deserve it really, with our oppressive freedoms and lack of modesty.

    Welcome home ISIS jihadis!

  3. Stop reading the wrong newspapers. You must not look at the Daily Mail, The Express, The Sun, or anything else like that. Don’t listen to Katie Hopkins. Get off Twitter. Stop sharing Paul Joseph Watson videos. JUST BLOODY STOP IT.

Sorry, it’s just… look… it’s really important that you don’t listen to anybody except us. The world is, it’s… we’re in charge, ok? Just nod if you understand.


It’s probably best if you stay inside with the curtains closed, and we’ll drop you off a copy of Bella and some Kestrel. If there’s an election we’ll tell you who to choose, but you have to get it right next time, don’t fuck it up like you did Brexit.

Hopefully soon we can get it sorted so you’re not allowed to vote anyway. That would be best, just let us deal with things. Relax. Deep breaths. Women have dicks.

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