Curiously, society is being propelled in two contradictory directions at the same time. On the one hand, we are compelled to loosen up and let everyone just do whatever the hell they want. But simultaneously, we are henpecked by uptight cultural authoritarians over the most minor of newly-confected, sometimes barely comprehensible faux-pas.
We are being Googlized and Mary Whitehoused at the same time. Take your shoes and socks off, but for God’s sake watch what you say.
So chill out, mate, no need to put on a suit. No need to dress like an adult at all, slip into a pair of shorts and a Thundercats T-shirt. Rock up on a Raleigh Grifter eating a packet of Space Raiders. Doesn’t matter, whatever.
Forget about capital letters and punctuation too, that’s some outdated, boomer shit. In fact, don’t even bother with words, we have emoji now.
Jesus, what do you want separate men’s and women’s toilets for? What are you, alt-right? Just piss anywhere. Piss out the window if you want. Transphobe.
Borders? Immigration checks? Passports? Are you canvassing for Ukip or something? Let’s just go wherever we want. Everyone. All the time. And vote when you get there, like citizens of the world or something. Who even votes anyway?
Great, glad we agree. I mean, you did agree, didn’t you? Because if you didn’t, that might be problematic. Career threateningly so.
By the way, did you just say a word not to my liking? A pronoun, did you use a pronoun I haven’t formally approved of? Use the one I demand, exactly as I say, and check every morning that I’m still using the same one.
And that hairstyle, change it. That’s cultural appropriation and you’re the wrong race. Get your hair cut exactly as I tell you.
And if you are going to vote then don’t vote that way. You must vote the way you’ve been told. Vote the same as me. No, you can’t have an independent country, you must be in the EU. Yes, you can have free speech, but you mustn’t say any of these things on this list, they’re prohibited because they spread intolerance.
Look, basically, we believe in progress and open-mindedness. To prove it here’s an illustrated chart of things you must never do, say, or think, and please make sure to read this short booklet explaining your new opinions to you so you can express them correctly.
Get any of this wrong and there will be severe repercussions.
And now, let’s all relax, shall we? We’re very relaxed here.