Dear Scum

Here in the universities we’ve been distressed of late, as it seems some among you think (and we use that word loosely, it’s more as if dull shapes wooze into existence at the bottom of your lizard brains) that there is some kind of left-wing, pro-EU bias in our institutions of study.
It pains us to have to explain this—not least because you’re unlikely to have the intellectual capacity to process it—but of course we’re all left-wing and pro-EU, for a very simple reason: those are clever people’s opinions, and we’re exceedingly clever.

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In The Dark Heart Of Remain Britain

A pragmatic decision was made by the people of the United Kingdom last year, to jump the listing European Union tanker and make a bid for freedom. Following the referendum, relieved and optimistic voters around Britain have been looking forward to a future which is both global and sovereign.
There have manifested though, pockets of the country in which the door has been slammed shut, the curtains drawn, and upon which a fog of impenetrable gloom has descended.

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Goodbye To The EU, But Not To Europe

After several months of waiting, Article 50 has been triggered. Britain is leaving the EU and the reaction has been exactly as you’d expect. Celebration among those who voted to leave, acceptance from Remain backers who are now comfortable with the result, and a strange mixture of negative emotions among intransigent Hard Remainers, who’ve expressed anger, despair, and a significant amount of bitterness.

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Laughing at Voters, With Jones and Clegg

Have you seen the new method that liberal progressives have come up with to get all us wayward fascists back on board the love train?
It’s inspired. They get together in front of a camera, openly laugh in our faces about what feckless, naive cretins we are, and then widely distribute the recording.
The idea, I presume, is that if it’s drilled into us constantly that we are hopelessly stupid and unable to make logically coherent decisions for ourselves, then we’ll be happy to hand consent over to the enlightened, better-than-us leftists, and not meddle oafishly in their global masterplans anymore. They can get on with sainthood and erasing human misery, and we can get back to our pints of mild.

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Brexiteers are Neanderthals

I thought things were going well. We were in the EU and Britain was being drained of its troublesome sovereignty as I, through my subscription to Everyday Feminism, was being radically unchained from my toxic masculinity.
Brussels knows best. Who needs to know the names of the suits in charge anyway? They’re European, nice shoes, brandy on tap. They’re just better at managing things than us. We’re all Europeans now, of course, but they’re a bit more European.

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Remainers Push For Hard Brexit

One of the false charges levelled at Leave voters is that Brexit is an act of self-harm. That whatever reasons a person might have for voting to escape from the European Union, the amount of damage caused will always outweigh the benefits.
But from where I stand, the only masochistic inclinations come from hardcore Remainers themselves, as they attempt to hinder or halt a clean, well executed departure.

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Conservative Politics Avoids The Celebrity Spell

When faced with a political dilemma my first reaction is always: what would Charlotte Church do? Sometimes she’s busy planning a march or burning copies of the Sun though, and I can’t discover her thoughts.
In those circumstances I get help by tuning in to the opinion of every other famous person on the planet. Superstars, has-beens, might-bes, can’t-quites, it doesn’t matter, because they all share a single, bromidic opinion. Whatever the choice, whatever the circumstances, they favour the prescribed ‘liberal progressive’ option.

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