Dear Scum

Here in the universities we’ve been distressed of late, as it seems some among you think (and we use that word loosely, it’s more as if dull shapes wooze into existence at the bottom of your lizard brains) that there is some kind of left-wing, pro-EU bias in our institutions of study.
It pains us to have to explain this—not least because you’re unlikely to have the intellectual capacity to process it—but of course we’re all left-wing and pro-EU, for a very simple reason: those are clever people’s opinions, and we’re exceedingly clever.

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